It is a small kitchen, a round dinner table, a chair and a stove are all that could fit in it. I am making my coffee. I love sitting at my kitchen having my coffee with some brownies or muffins to chew just to accompany me, listening to the sound of neigbours living their life.
The banana muffins, I bought from the supermarket a few days ago looked tasty. Sipping hot drink and chewing cakes at the same time is heaven in the morning when the hunger fang screaming inside you. As I was looking at my neighbours backyard, I started to reflect on my days and conversations with Mr Ikan.
We are kind of having a long distance relationship, trying to get to know each other better each day. The ” trying to get to know ” part honestly is not an easy period of human relationship. We are from different background, language and culture. There are many gives and takes we have to compromise, if we are from the same ground still I don’t think as normal human being we can understand each other 100%. Even if it is 20 years companionship, “getting to know” process is a lifetime operation. Even twins argue and fight at times, do you agree?
We had been arguing these few days.
Is it I, who is too sensitive?
Am I having a period symptom?
Or am I too jealous?
What is it with me?
Am I loving him too much? Am I this much, so much in love that I am jealous when he talked about girls at his office and girls texting him. Those are not just girls, they have husbands. Some are colleagues and some are his hometown friends. He said he knew them like more than 10 years compared to me and helped him in hard times, the years really knocked me off the chart.
I am not exist like those girls 10 years before and I am not exist at his difficult times way back then.
We were living our own life and met by fate.
I guessed I felt jealous because he seemed excited and happy telling about the conversations he had with them instead of showing how eager he wants to talk to me.
Is his mission to make me jealous?
Honestly, I felt jealous when he worried about those girls instead of me. They have husbands to care for them, and the one I love, Mr ikan, gave his attention to them rather than me. I have him but he doesn’t worry about me. I think he doesn’t even care if I am gone.
I cried, those girls are lucky I said to myself. I have myself and gave love to Mr ikan who doesn’t even think I am worth for him.
I wonder… if he ever worries about me?
I, who he said I love you to,
I, who he said I miss you to,
I, who he called everyday to,
Yes, I, I, I, he said my girlfriend.
I wonder if he ever feeling excited to talk about me to his friends, how he put me to their eyes.
I wonder… is he really in love with me or just saying so without feeling.
Where am I in his heart and life ?
Does he consider me exist or just a shadow?
Inside of me, I wonder…
What is my worth to him?
Do I make him happy?
Is his face glowing with excitement when mentioning about me?
How am I making him feels in the core of his heart?
Is there even a piece of space for me?
I remember when we were walking at Sydney harbour last May. I suggesting we take a picture of us. He said “NO”. Each time I asked the answer was a big NO!. He said ” People i know might see us and i dont want to be in trouble to answer their questions”. I was surprised with his answer. It is our picture together and he rejected. I kept quite and took anyway, the picture looked like we were strangers and i took it just for the sake of i want to take shot with somebody.
“No” to this, “No” to that… how do you feel when this happens to you?
To me…It hurts inside, I don’t lie.
I asked god, is this LOVE?
All I could do is blaming myself. My head haywired, part of me blaming him for treating me not the way I want him to treat me. My feeling and my heart are in mess. I kept quite. I don’t feel talking to him. I feel I am nothing to him.
All the No! No!No! Haunting me…I stopped asking because I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to cry.
As I scrolled the gallery, looking at few pictures we took together. I surrender to god, let god helps me see what he arranged for us.
I didn’t greet him that day like I used to…Mr ikan texted. I guessed he knew, i was not happy with him.
Darling,
I may not be able to draw pictures like HJ stories and conversations
I may not be able to write songs like Adam Levine to convey my heart
I may not be able to fly like superman to see you and tell you how I feel
But I can send you my love thru watsapps
Open it 💔 and see
It’s only you inside it
I am sorry
Don’t let me become like this 👴🏼 before you reply
You are the only person who makes me happy 😄
You are the reason why I cry when watching movies 😔
Because you show me love 💖
Because you show me life 👫
I was amazed, I never thought he could write poem.
❤dzie